Because randomness comes along every once in a while.

Because randomness comes along every once in a while.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale--Part Two

Welcome back to The Arcadian Interludes.

Last time, we discovered the blandness of Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale. Not all that offensive, but at the same time, despite it being a ripoff, the plot was just as cliched as one could imagine. Let's continue with this, shall we?

So the last time we left our, ahem, heroes, they were on their way to see Lucy, the alien thing with the annoying-as-hell cry. And a little thought just came to me. If they look like aliens, why didn't Noiman ask if they were the ones who killed the pie? But I digress.

Anyway, the grandmother thanks the group for saving Lucy, and Walt explains that they need a place to stay. She lets them all in, and yes, that includes Noiman, the one that insulted her. I guess he's easily forgiven? The snake wants to watch cable television, but the grandmother repeatedly tells him "no".

How bad can it possibly be? I mean, it's not like it has a mind of its own and wants to murder--oh.

There is a small fight between the group, and Noiman turns it on. And it shows...snakes or snake-themed commercials/TV series. How lovely. And...did a flying paddle just smack a snake?





As I figured, the television then starts to kill the group. By stomping around and speaking gibberish. Really. I would make a snarky comment to how television killed the wannabe stars, but I'm not that witty. The house also starts to fall. With tiles coming down. One by one. Uh...

Noiman tries to tell Walt to leave, but the pig, thankfully having a conscience, tells him that they caused the mess, and so they can't leave. The snake then suggests stealing the TV so they can fix it, but really, that's a bad idea. What would happen if it would still try to kill them? Eventually, the snake leaves, and so does everyone else...leaving the grandmother and Lucy to their doom.

Once again, OUR HEROES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Anyone want to tell us why we should care for those guys, again?

Once again, the spiders try to tell Walt that going to Viperwood is a bad idea, but he's pretty damn persistent. Oh, and Tiffany says that her spider senses are tingling. Nice job, movie, you just had to put a Spider-Man reference to try to make it interesting.

So they stop at a gas station, and Noiman has to pay. He tells Walt to fill the car up, and they get into another argument. Dear God, does it feel like it leaves the camera running. As expected, Walt does fill up the gas tank, and Noiman uses his--oh, dear God, dude, if the Vipercard didn't work the first time, what makes you expect that it'll work there? So they head off after filling the car up, but they're chased by these strange bug creatures that shoot missiles at the group.

At this rate, we can definitely say that if you don't do anything good, everything will try to kill you. Yeah, that's a great moral.

So Tiffany decides to scare the hunters off by just...making a path to them and saying "Boo". Wow, how anticlimatic.

The next day, they arrive in Viperwood, which is exactly what you expect it to be. Then a light lavender snake drops into the car, welcomes Noiman home, and scares Gilbert off. The female snake's name is...Venom. Wow, how original.

Then Venom tells Walt that everyone's talking about him. Uh...look, I know that Noiman is there with the connections, but just how in the hell do they know Walt already? It's not like they showed commercials with him. Unless if they just saw him in one of those crime shows like America's Most Wanted, and they showed him along with the group.

Venom tells the group that they have an audition...but due to Walt not doing them according to Noiman, he immediately gets the part. What. After filling the young pig's head with dreams of stardom, we come across...really weird grunting sounds. Eventually, the presumed...I don't know...gets off the stage, and Walt talks to the director, who's really trying to sound like one of those mafia-type guys. They go through his resume, and--ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


Oh, wait, I have a movie to review.

The spiders grow suspicious, but Noiman still tells Walt that he's going to be a star. He then places some sort of bowl or helmet on the pig, and he demonstrates the "holding his breath underwater" thing. Uh...and the fish is also trying to kill Walt. Yeesh.

You know...if they are trying to prove that doing bad things is, well, wrong, they are doing a damn good job tramuatizing kids while doing so.

So Tiffany scares off the fish. And I'm realizing just how freaking much the plot is recycled. If not just the plot, then specific scenes.

Configuation One: Walt lies, the mother notices, the spiders speak the truth, the horses call them out, the animals do their Wild Mass Guessing, Penny says something somewhat irrelevant.

Configuation Two: Noiman suggests something, he and whoever has a fight, trouble occurs, and occasionally Tiffany shows up to stop the trouble.

At this rate, I'll just mention scenes by one of those two configuations.

So after that, Walt falls down, and the helmet breaks, with him gasping for air. He didn't land the audition. Wait, what? Oh, so the snakes lied to him, and he had to get the audition. The spiders even note the sudden change from "OMG the theater business is magical!" to "WTF? The theater business sucks!", if not in those specific terms. They still try to get him to come home, but the snake promises that it won't happen again. Uh-huh. Sure it wouldn't. What do you do next, you try to kill the pig yourself, Noiman, after he outlives his usefulness?

Then Walt tells Noiman that he wants to go back to the barnyard. It goes just as well as you expect. So they're stuck in this foreign place (to them) with nothing but talks about stardom and no more lying and oh, God, make it stop! Seriously, if you want a more effective way of teaching kids not to lie, have a freaking blue fairy come down and make his snout grow!

Eventually, Noiman gets a call that states that Walt will be a TV star. We get to some sort of place where a snake with a top hat tells them that most need something exciting. Like...explosions and violence. Which means that the snakes have a version of Michael Bay in their 'verse.

(is booed) Oh, what?

However, this snake's not like the others. It wants something educational. Noiman predicts that the snake will be out of a job soon, and he(?) still spouts off stuff about learning stuff, where Walt goes to school, stuff like that. Get to the point, movie.

...oh. He might be on "Paddle Wackier". As in, that one show we saw them seeing that almost gave me visions of a snake being all like, "Thank you! May I have another?!" Oh, good God. And Tiffany will be there as the show's "Phone-A-Friend", so to speak.


Let's continue!

So we cut to the game show in question. Millions are watching as this daring pig will answer questions in order to become more of a star. Like other contestants in various game shows before him, Walter will have to be brave and risk everything.

...hey, it's not like this movie will have anything as interesting and/or grandiose.

The show starts, and the first category? Colors. Fucking colors.

Question #1: If you mix yellow and blue, what color do you get? Answer: green.

But there's a problem. Pigs are colorblind. So Tiffany helps him with that answer. And here's the next one: what color is an octopus--yellow, brown, pink, or green? But as hard as that answer is for him, he has two choices: tell the truth and get his ass spanked, or make something up and risk getting his ass spanked. So he goes with the "I don't know", gets his ass spanked, and is told that an octopus can change color.


Okay...then, for some reason, the flyswatter spanks the host, and...I think he's dead.

So then we cut to the group, and Walt hated being on the game show. They argue over being honest and lying, and then Tiffany threatens to leave, and...ugh. Can we cut to the next part, please? Oh, he'll be a movie star. I can easily guess where this will be going. Something happens in which it'll suck, and Walt ends up hating the experience.

...I can only hope I'm wrong.

So we cut to the place where he auditions for an action movie role, and another snake-director/casting director notes his "qualities". This time, he's a gymnast, black belt, swordsman, and can speak Japanese. He gets the part. Next, Noiman teaches Walt how to speak Japanese.

Uh, let's see. Henshin, chakusou, Yurusenzai, konnichiwa, domo arigato, sayonara, sumimasen. There. Do I get a cookie?

And how does he know the language? He remembers the times where he slithered through Tokyo, looking for a good massage. The spiders don't buy it. Noiman gives Walt an example: if they ask, say "Hai" (yes). Okay. I'm pretty sure that only saying "Hai" would make Walt a fool of himself. Plus embarrassing his ancestors.

We get to the movie set, where it's really clear that the director is speaking more. And Walt says "Hai". Oh, and the director says, "Action!" What happened to him not speaking English?

They bring out the highly convincing robots, and Walt does some highly convincing swordfighting. The robots' dialogue only consists of "Take that!" Really? One of the robots spank Walt...and there's something wrong with the director's hat. He counts down...and a highly convincing explosion occurs.


Yeah, apparentally they don't have a Michael Bay, because say what you will about him, at least he does convincing explosions.

At the hospital, Walt wakes up to find Noiman talking to another casting director. Once again, Walt isn't so sure. Venom convinces Walt that he is the talk of the town. Likely because of so many screw-ups, but still! Talk of the town! And the casting director is taking very special interest in Walt. This time, he won't disappoint everyone.

Uh-huh. Once again, I'm pretty sure it won't end well. And it might end in the pig's death.

So Tiffany, Gilbert, and the yellow spider show up and talk. Luckily, Walt suggests sightseeing, and then everyone will go back to the barnyard, as he found a bus schedule. However, Noiman, being the asshole snake that he is, says to Walt that he can't give up now. What does he have to do? Rap anything he wants. And the place he'll go to is very cool. So cool, he's gotta wear shades.


Oh, and the spiders can't come nor bother Walt until tomorrow. Yeah, that doesn't sound so suspicious, no sirree Bob. And the shades? Walt can't see a damn thing out of them, with Noiman dismissing it as "the price of fashion."

As for the rap, what musical masterpiece will he rap about? His roots in the barnyard. This is not going to end--hey, what is that sign? A pig carving commercial? I knew it! Walt's so totally fucked right now...

We get to the place, where the chef talks to Noiman and Venom. Said chef--who, by the way, is wearing an apron covered in fucking blood--leans into Walt's ear and says, "You look very...plump." Gee, no shit, Sherlock? Walt takes notice of that and asks if he can take the shades off, but the snakes say "no".

Then a crane picks Walt up, and he raps the most ridiculous rap song ever. All of a sudden, "Sexy Bitch Chick" sounds like a better song to listen to. Even if it is edited to have "Billy Mays" in place of the title's appearances in the song.

But before Walt can become pork, Gilbert arrives to knock the shades off. Tiffany and the yellow spider, Crystal, also show up to save him. They tell him what the snakes really want to do with him, and so a rescue attempt is underway. Gilbert flies in so he can sting Noiman, and...looks like we'll have to go to the next and, thankfully, final part.

Part Five

So Gilbert does sting Noiman with an overreacted "AaAaAaAhH!" Judging by this, this will be one of the most boring battles ever. The wasp, thinking that he would die, is actually alive. Tiffany tells Walt to stop rapping, and then the glasses fall off, into the chopper.

Noiman admitted that the wasp's sting hurts. And then he cries. Yeah...this is definitely not the late Peter Fernandez's finest moment. But considering the crap he's in, can you blame him?

Luckily, Venom and the chef both have standards, and they leave Noiman alone, even as his phone rings. Speaking of wasps, Gilbert admits that he has been lying to himself, bringing yet another sledgehammer into the "lying is wrong" moral. Walt thanks his friends, and we're told that when people lie, they don't know when to stop.

Okay, knock it off with the moral-giving, movie, we've already heard it millions of times.

So the animals decide to go back to the barnyard, and Walt will tell his mom the truth after all. They also conclude that the trip was worth it after all. Yes, even after a near-murder attempt. However, Tiffany will remain in Viperwood, telling Walt that she won't be around for him forever. After telling more stuff about lying that we already know, they say their goodbyes.

We finally get back to the barnyard, and the horse fights with Gilbert and Andre. Some things don't change. However, a show's on, and wouldn't you know it, Tiffany's the new host of "Paddle Wackier". And Venom's the contestant. We get to a queston: if you combine two triangles together, what do you get? She answers that it's a circle.



So Venom gets spanked, and we get our answer. It's a diamond. The horses note Tiffany's appearance, and Walt likes the show more. And that's the end of the movie, with the snakes dancing in the credits, but who cares?

So what do I think of the movie?'s very Anvilicious in its moral: don't lie. Otherwise, while not being that, it's just plain dull. The characters are unlikable, we don't know what happened to the space aliens, and there's just no one to root for. It's like a Darkness-Induced Audience Apathy, you really don't care about the conflict or what's going on because of those circumstances.

Plus, it doesn't make it to be a Charlotte's Web knockoff, it uses some cliched Celebrity is Overrated plot that we've seen a million times, and they came out much better--or more entertaining--than this movie. But, as we'll eventually see, this isn't the only movie with false advertising, which is pretty much the point of Mockbusters.

So with ripoffs, WTFery, and general weirdness, this has been the Arcadian Interludes. See you next time.

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