Because randomness comes along every once in a while.

Because randomness comes along every once in a while.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Episode 1, Part 1--Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale

Spark Plug Entertainment's ripoff of Charlotte's Web. Seriously, can you expect anything else?

(Credit goes to TheWMEForever for the uploading of the film, and credit goes to Spark Plug Entertainment for making the film. Oh, and just to be safe, credit goes to E.B. White for the original source, Charlotte's Web.)

Now, I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm reviewing a film that countless other people have done. I plan to try to put my own spin on things.

And besides, there have been times in which reviewers did different reviews of the same work (*cough*The Room*cough*)

Having said that, let's look at Spark Plug Entertainment first. Created in 2006, one of their films, An Ant's Life (no prizes to which movie it ripped off), was made before that, several years earlier. Since its establishment, it made a handful of ripoffs, mostly from Pixar films.

...and even though some people know it already, but for those who don't, its founder, Michael Schelp, is also the current executive producer of MANswers. Which, admittedly, I've caught a few times. (It was...something.)

But enough about the vague-as-hell history lesson. Today, we're reviewing their ripoff, Spider's Web: A Pig's Tale.

Part One

We start off with the title credits, and--

Random Rooster(?) Dude: "Rise and shine, everyone!"

The heck? And...really, she does seem...creepy. Eh.

Next, we see Wilbur, or its ripoff, Walt. Some sow whom I presume to be his mom tells him that he shouldn't be late. Late? For what? Late for witnessing everyone else (a grand total of six animals that we first see, counting the pigs) waking up?

And we cut to--OH GOD THE SPIDERS! (shudders) ...sorry. Anyway, after that, the animals reflect on what they're thankful for. Walt's thankful for everything. So does one of the horses, who rambles on how every creature has its place, and so does the purple spider, blah, blah, blah, when do we get to the part of the Cut and Paste Translation, dammit?

Oh, wait. The purple spider, Tiffany, calls its kind "agile" while, to her, the horses are capable of producing manure. So the spider's supposed to be its Charlotte equivalent, if Charlotte was capable of insulting everyone?

Anyway, after being thankful for whatever the hell, Walt and Penny (the weird rooster from earlier) compliment each other, and the former telling the latter how she flew, and OH GOD know, I just realized it. Penny kinda does look like those chickens and hens from Chicken Run, doesn't she? >__> Regardless, more filler happens when Gilbert explains how he can't pollenate anything.


Oh. Here we go. Now we get to a possible plot point. What does Walt even suggest? Flying around the flowers and thank it. In other words, lying. We'll get to this "moral" later on in the liveblog/review.

More talking. Gilbert is said to be a wasp, and he explains how bees and wasps are di--ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...(wakes up) Oh, the other wabee is gone. The male horse tells Gilbert that, basically, they don't want to spread rumors. And then the yellow spider states that if he wants to be a bee, let him be.

I really feel tempted to make a "Let it Bee" joke here, but...I have standards--oh, what the hell, they pretty much said it again!

Then the lying escalates as the mommy sow asks Walt where her pie is. He then says, "You want the truth?", and to show that I have standards, I won't make a "You can't handle the truth!" reference. But to show that the movie doesn't have much standards, here goes the musical number! What happened to actual statements not set to song? Regardless, I'll just summarize it. Not much protected by "pie-loving thieves", the UFOs stop by and, mistaking it for an enemy, shoot the hell out of the pie.

By the way, love how it seems like the filling's like blood.

Then the sow's pretty much like, "Okay, how do you know that it was a cherry pie?", and Walt says that she told him that it was such, lying his ass off some more. OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Tiffany then speaks up and says that Walt ate it. Because the former's a spider, she's not to be believed, but the animals do sense a bullshit meter going up in Walt's version.

So what did happen to the whole thing about animals being equal, eh?

They start forming their wild mass guessings, some of which include Walt seeing a weather balloon or a reflection of the moon. Um...isn't the proof obvious, you morons? The spiders tell the other animals that the pig ate the pie, but again, their story isn't to be believed, which really undermines the equality thing once again. Eventually, the sow tells Walt to tell the truth, and she leaves; Walt then tells Tiffany to stop telling on him.

I'm with the spiders on this one. Walt, our Designated Hero, can't stop lying. Tiffany then goes on with the cliched "Who saved your ass when someone did stupid crap to you?" "You did" sort of thing. Then we get the moral of the story: stretching the truth doesn't make everyone happy. By the way? Get used to this. It'll be repeated over and over again.

Then Walt Wangsts about how much of an easier life Tiffany had. Good God, dude. Spiders are creepy as hell, and they have a higher chance of being killed, either by other prey or us humans. You? You grow fat, become cute, and have the easier life. (Until you are chosen to be butchered, but I digress.) And everyone loves you! For some reason, yes, but still!

...and this is where things start to get really weird.

We then see a purple snake, Noiman. Who, by the way, is voiced by the late, great Peter Fernandez. Hear that? That's your childhood sobbing because he was in this film. Which, admittedly, isn't the weirdest casting in a cartoon Mockbuster, but it ranks right on top here.

They talk about the stupid shit involving aliens and UFOs, and, honestly, this is to the point where unless they change the subject or if it actually happened, I stopped caring. And before Walt walks off, he breaks the pot. His mom's favorite pot.

He claims that he didn't do it, but the ghostly phantom spirit (lol Department of Redundancy Department!) was scared by Tiffany, and he broke it. What, did the UFO bullshit lie run out of its "charm", Walty? Oh, and that one was in the form of another damn song, no less.

Then the horses call bullshit on Tiffany's truth, and WMGs occur (one of which involves methane gas from cows, I swear, I am not making this up--yay for "classy" fart jokes?), lather, rinse, repeat. I swear to God, if this occurs again, I'll just summarize the summarization of the bullshit.

Oh, and Penny gave us a by-far-overused The Sixth Sense reference as to why the character believes in ghosts. She sees dead chickens.

...wait, that was a chicken all along? Excuse me while I batter my brains out on a wall. (thud) (thud) (thud)

The sow then decides to check on Walt's homework--wait, from what school? The question's moot as Walt answers that he did finish it, but the homework...ate...the dog. What. Complete with--screw it, you all know by this point, but this time, Penny cries over some other animal's death, and Tiffany says nothing.

The plot really feels like a "bad excuse Mad Libs".

...dear God. Once Tiffany says that the farmers killed Henry, we're treated to one of the most annoying, ear-bleeding cries ever. We're supposed to feel sad for poor Penny, but...not when it sounds like she's overdoing the crying.

Regardless, both Noiman and the sow are concerned about Walt's future. The snake, however, states that he doesn't need the farm animals and that he knows a better place to make friends. And what better place than Viperwood--wait, what? Regardless, Noiman does have a car and some forms of payment (how the hell can he drive, let alone have cash and credit cards?), and he tells Walt that he can come back whenever he want. Oh, and Tiffany can come along as well, which she eventually does.

Because there's nothing that screams ripoff than taking scenes and not knowing how they work in the original.

So after saying his goodbye to his mom, Walt, the snake, the yellow spider, Gilbert, and Tiffany all head out to Viperwood. Then we get treated to a random scene right the hell out of nowhere with a couple of alien-like beings staying in some sort of hotel. Walt and the snake also stay in the hotel, after we (and, eventually, they) see one of the aliens, Lucy, being so scared to jump down. With yet another annoying cry.

Does anyone in this movie know how to cry naturally?

The grandmother then asks the animal group for their help, but the snake's response is a simple "LOL no". Oh, and that Lucy likes being on the top of really, really tall buildings. Despite being afraid of heights. Walt, however, in an attempt of trying to be likable, actually thinks the opposite, but the snake has the "Doesn't concern us" attitude. Eventually, Lucy's convinced to jump down, which she does. And she makes it okay. if she could survive a high jump, then why the hell is she afraid of heights?

Anyway, Walt starts to think that the trip's not all that cracked up to be, but the snake tries to tell him otherwise. He then tries to be nice to Lucy, but knowing how much of an asshole he is, she's like, "Uh, no." At least she has common sense, I'll give her that. The spiders then warn Walt that he would become as much of an asshole as the snake if he continues to lie, and then they enter the hotel.

Then we come across yet annoying crier. What he (she?) says is pretty much irrelevant. When the snake and Walt show up, they order a room for a night, and the former pays with his Vipercard--don't leave the farm without it! But then the card's rejected, and he tries to figure out what's wrong. Uh, because it's fake?

So Walt and Noiman leave, and the latter says that they're almost to Viperwood, where Walt can be a star. Yep, yet another Hollywood knockoff, aren't you surprised? They decide to stay in Lucy's place, where they have one of two options to state: either tell the truth or say that they've been robbed.

What will they say to why they want to stay? Will Walt make it to Viperwood? Will he stop lying? Find out in Part Two!

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